In the beginning, it is always dark...

Created: 01/31/2006 2:50am

I would say I've had an amazing life thus far. It would be hard to sum myself up in a few words. For that matter, I have problems summing up anything in a few words. This is to be the start of a new perspective for me. When I was a teenager, I would write and write and write, filling boxes with loose-leaf ideas, abstractions, and intriguing renderings. That time was about 10 years ago. At that time, I was full of wonder, despair, intrigue, and most of all emotion. In a strange way, those are the things I miss most about my past. Being alone, depressed, confused... all those things culminated and converged into a drug that I became entranced with. During the last days of a desperate time, I was afraid to leave them behind.

I remember the fear of walking away from the comfort of my self-inflicted depression and having absolutely no expectation for what was ahead of me. I was like a blind man running towards the end of a bridge. And jumping, with my arms out, expecting the long fall ahead, I found myself safely on solid ground. Never falling an inch from where I was.

In retrospect and after re-reading my numerous writings from so long ago, I found myself in a state of denial. I was ashamed of what I had written about. My experiences, my heartache, my sorrows, all seemed like cliched wantings of a teenage boy. And they were. Since that time, I have not written anything down about myself. I have not written anything even as remotely creative either. I have lost a connection with myself and my creativity. I have lost an ability to express emotion reguardless of the consequences. Regardless of the shame I may feel in retrospect.

This is an effort to rejuvenate that ability. The ability to express myself clearly on an emotional and spiritual level. The ability to sum up my fears, hopes, and ideas. The ability to express, good or bad, what it is to be human. What it is to live my life. What it is to see what I see.

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